Irritable and Incompetent People
by kisaru
Summary: Hiei, Kurama, Yusuke, and Kuwabara go camping, and Hiei and Kurama are bickering like a married couple. It's pretty funny, until it goes too far, and then the only solution is blackmail?? lotsa yaoi. no romance.


WARNING: OOCness, especially on Kurama's part, and Hiei x Kurama is heavily implied. But this isn't a romance.  
  
  
  
"Hiei! Why didn't you wake me up?!" exclaimed the redhead, currently searching in his stepbrother's room for boxers.  
  
"Well excuse me for wanting to get some extra hours of sleep after you kept me up all night!" Hiei countered, sitting on top of the clothes drawer and looking down on Kurama's rummaging.  
  
The fire demon just barely dodged getting his head smashed in as Kurama shut a drawer full of rare novelty items, and clothes. "I was drunk. And it was your fault for letting me seduce you, Hiei."  
  
Hiei dug his face in his hands, obviously too ashamed. "I'm so sorry! But you're just too sexy, Kurama! Please! Become less attractive so that this shall never happen again!"  
  
"I'm flattered."  
  
While the fox ran out of his stepbrother's room and into his parents' room, Hiei curiously bent over to check Shuuichi's cabinets. Pulling open one drawer, he gazed at the horror of Shuuichi's un-organization. Greedily snatching a tube of something into his hands, he looked it over.  
  
"Kurama? What's..." He squinted. "Lubby?"  
  
Now armed with a pair of boxers, Kurama walked into the room and took the tube from Hiei's hands. "...Oh." Kurama tossed it back in his brother's drawer. "That's lube."  
  
"...What?"  
  
"Lube. Makes things slippery."  
  
"Like soap?"  
  
Kurama left to find his bags. "Kinda. Lube is short for lubricant."  
  
"Amazing..." Immediately, Hiei began squeezing some "lubby" onto his hands and rubbing it all over himself. He made sure to spread it everywhere: his feet, his legs, his face, his arms, his underarms... When he was done, he proudly presented his slippery self to Kurama, whom frowned.  
  
"Hiei, you're supposed to use that when you're having sex."  
  
Wait. Why was there lube in Shuuichi's clothes drawer?!  
  
Putting that thought aside... "Anyway, we have to meet Yusuke and the others at the campsite."  
  
"Why that hell are we going to a campsite?"  
  
"We're going camping."  
  
"What?! But why?! I like living here!" Hiei was becoming quite comfortable living in Kurama's house as an exchanged student from "far-off lands." The last thing he needed was to go back to living as he did in the Makai.  
  
Kurama chuckled and tossed a bag into Hiei's face. "It'll be fun."  
  
"Hn." The Jaganshi tucked the bag under his arm and followed Kurama down the stairs and out of his house. "Last time you told me that, we saw a human streaking down the streets of Tokyo."  
  
Kurama turned back. "Would you have preferred if *I* had gone streaking down the streets of Tokyo?"  
  
Hiei glared. "Streaking's okay, but not in Tokyo."  
  
"...Why's that?"  
  
Hiei paused, then grinned, wrapping his free arm around Kurama's waist and hugging the fox tight against his body. "Because you're for my eyes only, fox."  
  
Kurama rolled his eyes at the corny remark. "You're quite the romantic, Hiei. Keep that up and you might just score with Yusuke."  
  
Hiei's eyes glittered. "You really think so?"  
  
"No. Now let go before I'm get you off myself."  
  
Hiei let go in surprise. "Enma, are you still mad about me not waking you up?"  
  
Kurama sighed. "No. Just a bit agitated."  
  
"...Hangover?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
The koorime nodded. "Thought so."  
  
"Shut up and get in the car."  
  
  
  
"Dammit, Kurama and Hiei are late," Kuwabara observed thoughtfully from atop his large rock. He sure did love his binoculars. Below him, Yusuke was struggling with putting up a tent. Any moment now, the detective was going to go reigun on the pile of dead tent on the dirt. Kuwabara decided that he should grace Yusuke with his masterful help, so he jumped down from the rock. "Need help, Urameshi?"  
  
Yusuke stopped for a moment to think about this. Did he really want help that badly? Kuwabara would probably just mess it up some more. And the humiliation would be oh-so-sweet. Yusuke stepped back from the tent. "If you would be so kind, Kuwabara."  
  
"Okay!" The big oaf grinned, rolling up his sleeves for some serious "tent- age". "Time for the great Kazuma Kuwabara to go to work!"  
  
"Have fun," Yusuke muttered. He left Kuwabara to do his handiwork, taking a seat on Kuwabara's car to wait for Kurama and Hiei's arrival. He was sure it was going to be grand, or at least very interesting. Kuwabara and Hiei would fight as usual. It was nice to have a boy's only vacation. The girls would always spoil their fun. Now, out in the woods, there was nothing to stop them from fighting with each other like mad...except for maybe Hiei's kokuryuuha....and maybe Kurama's rose whip.  
  
Coincidentally, Yusuke could see a car out in the distance. "Oi, Kuwabara! They're here!"  
  
"I'm busy, Urameshi!"  
  
The delinquent crossed his legs Indian style and put his hands on his knees in excitement. This was going to be great. But he *was* just a little troubled by how fast the car was approaching him... He started hearing screams coming from the car that sounded suspiciously like Kurama's voice...  
  
"Slow down, Hiei!"  
  
"Haha! No way!" Hiei yelled triumphantly. "This is so fun! Hey look! It's Kuwabara!" He threw his head back and laughed evilly. "It's killing time!"  
  
"No Hiei! Stop!" Kurama quickly grabbed the wheel from Hiei's diabolical little bandaged hands and swerved to the right, causing the car to skid across the grass, just barely missing several *large* looking trees. He immediately turned back, aiming for the campsite next to Kuwabara, whom was running away with his arms flailing in the air. Safely, he landed square in the middle of the clearing, smoke silently rising from the car hood.  
  
Hiei blinked.  
  
Kurama sighed. "Remind me never to let you drive again." Gracefully, he jumped out of the car, running a hand through his slightly damaged red tresses.  
  
"Hn. And remind me never to let you seduce me again."  
  
"No, that's quite all right, Hiei," answered Kurama, taking one of his bags from the backseat of the car and slinging it over his shoulder.  
  
Then the two realized that Yusuke and Kuwabara were staring. Talk about a grand entrance. It was like that for a while. All four tantei were trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.  
  
Yusuke was the first one to break the silence. "Hi, guys! Long time no see!"  
  
"Nice to see you, too, Yusuke," Kurama greeted.  
  
"Hey, shortie, long time no see," and that would've been enough, but Kuwabara had to push it by adding, "though I can never actually see you because you're so short!"  
  
But Hiei seemed to have been ignoring everyone but Kurama. "And another thing, fox, if I resisted, you would've probably killed me or raped me with your plants!"  
  
"Hiei, can we please get off that subject?"  
  
"Not until you apologize!"  
  
Yusuke and Kuwabara looked between the two. Hiei was fighting from inside of Kurama's car, and Kurama was fighting from his place next to Kuwabara, and that place next to Kuwabara was slowly turning into a place next to a pile of metals poles and nylon/vinyl fabrics.  
  
"I would never rape you, Hiei, even if I were drunk," Kurama defended, picking up a metal pole and examining it.  
  
"Che! Remember the night we first met in the human world?"  
  
The fox dropped the metal pole, flushed, and turned around, screaming angrily, "You were never going to mention that again!"  
  
"Hn. I'm sorry. But my point remains valid!" Hiei, satisfied with using one of his favorite phrases, crossed his arms proudly as though he had won the fight.  
  
As though.  
  
From a most obvious source, a metal pole collided Hiei's head, sending him flying back out of the car and onto the dirt.  
  
(A/N: Holy crap, this is the closest thing to Hiei x Kurama I've ever done, and Kurama's reminding me of Rune from Dragon Knights right about now...)  
  
Out of the blue, Kuwabara began shouting, "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight..." Of course, he was discouraged when everyone began giving him questioning stares/glares.  
  
"Guys, please," Yusuke cut in. "I don't mean to be a party pooper or nothin' but don't you think you two of all people shouldn't be fighting?"  
  
In perfect unison, the two demons pointed to each other and yelled, "He started it!"  
  
Yusuke and Kuwabara sweatdropped.  
  
"Stop fighting, guys!" Kuwabara hollered. "You're best friends!"  
  
"Really? I thought they were lovers."  
  
In perfect unison, the two demons replied, "You stay out of this!"  
  
Yusuke grinned. Now they were agreeing on something. "You guys are in looooove! It's so sweet!" This was followed by kissy noises, which were quite disturbing coming from Yusuke.  
  
Kuwabara looked clueless for a moment, and Yusuke whispered something into his ear. He smiled along with his detective friend. "Whoaaaa, Hiei, you've scored quite a catch... Kurama was way too pretty for me anyway..."  
  
Kurama joked, "Heh. I guess I am too pretty- for *all* of you." He closed his eyes. "I apologize, Hiei. I shouldn't have put the blame on you."  
  
Hiei "hn"ed in approval.  
  
"Aww...the lovers have realized their love..." From out of nowhere, a metal pole hit Kuwabara in the head. "OW!"  
  
"Now...what was that you said about me being too short?"  
  
  
  
"Shit. I'm hungry," Kuwabara murmured, his head now covered in bruises and bumps.  
  
"We better start the fire and cook something. It's almost night," Kurama announced.  
  
"I'll do it," Hiei volunteered, pointing his arm towards a tree.  
  
"No, Hiei. You'll set the whole forest on fire."  
  
"Then how're we supposed to light a fire?"  
  
"We'll use a lighter."  
  
There was silence.  
  
"Did anyone bring a lighter?" Yusuke hollered into the open air.  
  
"Ugh."  
  
"Hiei, point your arm towards the logs and create a spark. No more."  
  
"Aww...that's no fun..."  
  
"I suppose getting burnt like bacon strips is your idea of funner?"  
  
"'Funner' isn't a word, Kuwabara."  
  
"Whatever!"  
  
"Whoops...I think I overdid it..."  
  
"Hiei!"  
  
"No, it's just fine, Hiei. You did a good job."  
  
Hiei laughed triumphantly.  
  
"Wow. Are you, like, hyper 'cause you're so short?"  
  
"...Are you stupid because you're tall?"  
  
"Kurama's shorter than Kuwabara."  
  
"But I'm taller than you, Yusuke, and I think we all agree that I'm smarter than you."  
  
"So...that means the taller you are, the smarter you are! Haha! I'm smarter than Kurama!"  
  
"It doesn't work like that, fool."  
  
"I think you *underdid* it, Hiei. The fire's not getting any bigger."  
  
"Yeah it is. Look."  
  
"I'll get the ramen. Warm some water."  
  
"We're in the middle of nowhere and we're still gonna eat ramen?!"  
  
"Why are you complaining, fool?"  
  
"Ramen has chemicals that can give you cancer!"  
  
"...Shut up. Don't spoil it."  
  
"Here, guys."  
  
"Aw! Kurama! You got *miso* ramen!"  
  
"Hn. It doesn't say miso. It says...mi..." Hiei squinted his eyes, putting his reading skills to good use. "Nevermind."  
  
"Water's ready, guys, and be careful. It's hot."  
  
"Really?" Yusuke reached over to test that theory. "OW! It's hot!"  
  
(A/N: I do that all the time.)  
  
"I told you."  
  
"It is? Lemme try..." The next moment, Kuwabara was running around in circles, holding his hand like a dead animal, screaming at the top of his lungs, "It's HOOOOOT!!!"  
  
"Hn. Idiot."  
  
"Ugh...Miso..."  
  
"From moiles awoay, you can heah the roaring croy of the Kookabara, one of the laowdest animals in all of tropical Japan. The Kookabara is a very outgoing beast that Oi am relahctant to soay is a real beauty in its own...'special' woay. Crikey! It bit itself!"  
  
"It's HOOOOOOT!!!"  
  
  
  
"Hiei, you in here?" Kurama whispered, entering the tent, lantern in hand.  
  
"Nnh..." The koorime was lying face-first on his sleeping bag. He hadn't even changed out of his black tank top and pants. Cutely, he curled his legs close to him, trying to ignore the bright light of the lantern. "Get to bed, stupid fox..."  
  
Kurama smiled, sitting on his sleeping bag next to Hiei's.  
  
Seeing as how Kurama made no movement to turn off the lantern, Hiei assumed that Kurama wanted to talk, so he turned around to face the fox, smirking. "Nice pajamas."  
  
(A/N: Urge... to write... lemon... rising...)  
  
Kurama grinned at his fox print pajamas. "Yes, they're adorable, aren't they?"  
  
"Sure...." Hiei mumbled, his eyes growing heavy.  
  
"So... do you like camping so far?"  
  
"...No..."  
  
Kurama frowned. "Why not?"  
  
The koorime paused, then looked away. "I had a fight with you..."  
  
"......Sorry, Hiei. I shouldn't have been so angry. It was my fault."  
  
"You already apologized, fox..." Hiei murmured, digging his face in his pillow. "I was just being honest..."  
  
"Good then. I'm forgiven?"  
  
Hiei stared up at the fox and grinned. His lips formed two words: "No. Way."  
  
"NANI?!" Kurama stood up, his head hitting the roof of the tent.  
  
Sitting up, Hiei replied, "You had no right to get drunk the night before we went on a trip!"  
  
The fox grabbed his head in frustration. "Inari! What do you want from me?!"  
  
"I don't want anything! I just won't forgive you!"  
  
"But that doesn't make any sense!"  
  
"It makes perfect sense, fox!"  
  
Meanwhile, in the next tent, Yusuke covered his ears with his pillow. "They're acting like brothers... Or lovers..." His eyes brightened. "Hey. That almost rhymed."  
  
Kuwabara yawned, one eye unable to open. "I was having such a great dream, too..."  
  
"I wish we could just shut them up...but they'd probably use their demon powers and kill us..."  
  
"Then they'd kill each other..."  
  
Yusuke cupped one hand over his mouth and yelled, "OI! KEEP IT DOWN!"  
  
Unfortunately, Yusuke was ignored completely.  
  
"You've always been like this! Ever since we first met!" Kurama threw his pillow into Hiei's face.  
  
Hiei defended himself with his own pillow. "And you've changed since we met, fox!"  
  
"Yeah! I've realized how incompetent and irritating you truly are!" Ooh. That pillow had to hurt.  
  
"Is that so?!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"If that's how you feel, then leave!"  
  
"This is my tent!"  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"...Oh."  
  
Yusuke sighed, but his relief was short-lived.  
  
"Then *I'll* leave!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Hn!"  
  
At once, Hiei snatched his cloak from the ground, snorted, and stomped out of their tent, his left eye twitching in burning anger. What he didn't realize was that he had no idea to where he was stomping. He just had to get away from that incompetent and absolutely irritating fox.  
  
Nearby, Yusuke and Kuwabara started waving and yelling some incoherent phrases along the lines of "What the hell just happened?!" and "Where the hell are you going?!"  
  
Hiei ignored them, disappearing into the forest in a black blur.  
  
Yusuke and Kuwabara looked at each other. Both of them started running towards Kurama's tent. "What happened?!" they asked Kurama, whom was sitting on the floor, looking down at Hiei's katana. Kurama looked up at the two.  
  
"We had a fight."  
  
"...Okay..."  
  
Kuwabara pointed to the katana and asked, "Why's that here?"  
  
"Hiei left it."  
  
"...Oh."  
  
"And I know just what to do with it." Smiling sadly, Kurama took the katana in his hand and walked outside into the night air. He took in a deep breath, savoring the smell of pine and grass. Kuwabara and Yusuke soon followed him. The redhead looked around a couple more times, and when he spotted Hiei, he shouted with great pride, "TAKE YOUR DAMN SWORD!" With that, he reared back his arm and flung the sword out into space, where it was promptly picked up by a black blur.  
  
Kurama, smiling, wiped his hands off, and walked back into the tent for some well-deserved rest, leaving Kuwabara and Yusuke in confusion.  
  
  
  
"What if they never make up, Kuwabara?" Yusuke asked, staring at the campfire.  
  
Kuwabara, sitting at Yusuke's back and staring out into the sky, heavily sighed. "I don't know, Urameshi."  
  
Kurama wasn't paying attention to their conversation, busily cooking breakfast as though nothing had happened the previous night. It already felt empty without Hiei around, but Kurama didn't seem to care.  
  
Yusuke swallowed. "Um...Kurama?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"...Do you think Hiei's ever going to come back...?"  
  
Kuwabara winced. Bringing up the subject might send Kurama aflame with rage.  
  
Kurama chuckled. "Of course, Yusuke. Hiei always comes back."  
  
"...Oh."  
  
In the nearby trees, a pair of glinting red eyes suddenly vanished, changing its mind about something.  
  
  
  
"Where's that foreign exchange boy, Shuuichi?" Kurama's stepfather asked, his mouth still full.  
  
Kurama stared down as his food, unconsciously moving it around with his chopsticks.  
  
Fortunately, Shuuichi answered for his brother. "He and Hiei got in a fight."  
  
"Did he go back to his country?"  
  
"No. He just ran away."  
  
"Ah...I see."  
  
  
  
"It's already been a week, Shuuichi. I think Hiei's moved back home."  
  
'We're going camping.'  
  
'What?! But why?! I like living here!'  
  
In a quiet voice, Kurama replied, "I think so, too."  
  
  
  
Kuwabara was walking home from school, when he felt a familiar presence behind him. "Hey, Urameshi."  
  
"Hey, Kuwabara." Yusuke's voice strangely soft and timid.  
  
"The shrimp's still not back, is he?"  
  
His reply was almost coughed up. "Nope."  
  
  
  
"Hiei-san, shouldn't you be going back by now?" Yukina asked, sitting next to the man on the bench.  
  
Hiei shook his head. "They don't want me back."  
  
"But Kurama-"  
  
"Especially Kurama." Yukina was silent.  
  
Suddenly, Hiei felt Kurama's youki approaching the temple. He couldn't let Kurama find him. He turned to Yukina. "Yukina, don't tell Kurama that I was ever here." And he disappeared without a trace.  
  
Soon after, Kurama was seen walking up the temple path. "Ohayou, Yukina- chan," he greeted.  
  
"Ohayou, Kurama-san," Yukina greeted back.  
  
Kurama scratched his neck. "I've been wondering...has Hiei been visiting you lately?"  
  
'Yukina, don't tell Kurama that I was ever here.' Urgently, Yukina shook her head. "No, I haven't seen him."  
  
"Oh." Kurama looked down, not believing her for a second. When he had arrived, he sensed Hiei's youki fleeting from Genkai's temple, so it was obvious Hiei had told her to say that. "If you see him, tell him to come back." He didn't bother to explain what Hiei was coming back from. Yukina already knew. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he turned around and walked away.  
  
"I will, Kurama-san."  
  
"Oh!" Kurama stopped and turned around. "And Yukina, your brother's actually named-"  
  
From out of nowhere, a katana sheath flew into Kurama's head.  
  
~fin~ 


End file.
